crap

No one can say that RAIN in Portland is a big surprise for race day. But a girl could hope.

we are home, home from rome

(This was my stupid grin all through Italy.)

So we went to Italy.  We went to Italy for three wonderful, fabulous weeks.  Despite mixed weather, loss of one passport (mine), and fifteen (yes, 15!) bug bites (just on me, natch), it may have been one of our best trips ever.  

We flew into Rome and were there for three nights. Then we took the train to Sorrento and spent an afternoon at Pompeii, a day touring the Amalfi coast, and then took a ferry to Capri, where we spent our 9th anniversary. From there we returned to Sorrento, picked up a rental car, and drove to Le Marche by way of Civita di Bagnoreggio. We stayed 3 nights in Le Marche at the most amazing agriturismo and explored the area.  After that we drove down to Pienza through Arezzo and Cortona.  We spent the next day driving around Tuscany, and dropping our car off in Florence.  After three days and nights in Florence exploring museums, we took the train to Cinque Terre, stopping to spend part of the day in Lucca on the way there.  We explored Cinque Terre as well as Portovenere to the south and Sestri Levante to the north in 4 days, and then we spent most of a day traveling by train to Venice.  We spent two days and nights getting lost in Venice and then took the train to Milan, where we flew out the next morning.  It felt like a lifetime but it flew by seemingly in the amount of time it took me to write this paragraph.

And now we are back and we are sad. I can’t seem to get out of my funk. Nothing seems worth getting excited about: not work, not baking, not running, not the upcoming holidays.  All I want to do is curl up in bed and dream about Italy. Or possibly just grab Mr. Bump by the hand and head to the airport with our passports and a credit card and never come back.  Instead, while I am desperately trying to pull myself backward through the hedge into my life, I thought I would take some time to tell you the stories and show you the pictures from our trip.  Maybe it’ll help me get over Italy.  As if that were even possible.  Stay tuned for our adventures and  pictures.

coming around again

Man oh man am I struggling at the moment. Kind of, well, all over the place. Work is hard at the moment. That's about all I can say about that, but I spend 9 hours of my day there, so you can imagine how that might be spilling over into the rest of me. Running has been a struggle like it never has been.  Part of that might be the heat. But I had a moment during my 16 mile long run last Sunday where I thought:

I don't want to do this anymore. Why am I doing this?

I've never never said that before during a run. Sure, I've wanted to be done with it, or walk the rest of the way, but not about quitting all together. So I'm not sure if it is the heat (it's been over 90 more days than not in July so far), burnout (maybe back to back marathon training cycles wasn't a good idea?), or just the Charlie Brown Raincloud I've got going on at the moment.

This morning I had planned a 7 mile run into work. It would have been cooler, would get it out of the way early on a Friday, all good stuff.  I set an alarm for 5:00, got up, got my clothes on, brushed my teeth, etc.  I sat down on the edge of the tub to put my shoes on, and just sat there for about 5 minutes. I couldn't do it. 

Often the hardest part of the run is getting out the door--we all know that. But I just couldn't do it. I seriously sat there shouting at myself in my head. There was a little shouting match back and forth between warring factions in my head. 

Ultimately I stripped off my running clothes and crawled back into bed for another half an hour, and then got up to go to work like normal, but I'm disappointed in myself.  I hope to redeem myself with a 14 mile run this weekend. Sometimes if I take a couple of extra days off I have more energy and a better run. That was part of the arguments raised by the devil on my shoulder this morning.

I had a bad 8 mile run on Wednesday night, too. It was hot, it was hard, and it resulted in mexican food and ice cream for dinner. And I'd had gelato after lunch on Wednesday. Two (hefty) servings of ice cream in one day? What is the matter with me? In no way, shape, or form is that healthy eating.

So that's another piece of the puzzle. My eating has been out of control. I've pretty much been eating whatever I want since March or April. Which was fine when I was running 25-30 miles a week. But thus far I've run 8, in one go. Ice cream twice, crazy snacking, bowls of cereal after dinner (what? I have weaknesses). Some clandestine eating, some defiant eating, some misery-stuffing eating. Part of the reason I started this second marathon training cycle was so I could continue to eat what I want.  And I haven't really gained any weight. But it isn't healthy. It isn't a good training diet. And it isn't helping matters.

So what should I do? I'm stuck in this rut, and I'm not sure if I should quit the marathon training, try other forms of exercise? I haven't really gotten back off the bike since my recent flight off it. Mr. Bump thinks I become a miserable Debbie Downer when I don't run regularly. And maybe he's right. But I've been half-full of feeling ugly and icky all the time, when I'm running, at work, at home. I find myself every morning trying to contrive some illness so I don't have to go to work. I come home, shed my work skin, and plunk myself down in front of the tv or my laptop to watch something to try and lift my spirits. (Right now that's Arrested Development seasons 1-3, if you're interested.) In bed, in the dark, headphones on and completely checked out of myself.

I feel like I've got this soundtrack of whine playing in the background: "But I don't want to!" What's that about? I don't know. I'm not sure how to fix it. Do you?

no day is a good day

that starts with a pile of dog vomit in your bed.  Blergh. Mr. Bump didn't love his dinner last night, so he set the remaining mushrooms and sauce on the floor for Ruby to finish off.  Apparently it didn't agree with her either, and she didn't want to bother us, so she just threw up in the bed between us.  On the comforter, and the sheets, which bled through to the mattress pad but thankfully not the mattress.  I'm not sure when she did it, but it was an unpleasant wake-up call.

But!  There have been good things happening, too.

Like this:

And by that I mean the diamond earring you can see in my left ear.  Yes!  I finally, FINALLY, got myself those earrings.  This isn't the best picture of them, but I do love them so.  They aren't huge, but they're big enough for me, and they're wearable, which I have been doing without a break since I got them.  It will probably mean that I'll have to clean them more often, but I don't care.  The point of them is to remind me of what I've accomplished and what that means to me.  And how important it is to keep working on it, every single day.

And with that in mind, I must admit that since the marathon, I've gained a couple of pounds.  Quite honestly three to four.  So the earrings also are a reminder to get back to basics, and so that's where I am.  With my food log, and my exercise, and all that hard work.  Mostly I think they are the result of eating like I'm running 25-30 miles a week, while actually not running any.  Whoopsie.

So I'm back to hitting the pavement, too.  I took three or so weeks off, and then one half-hearted week where I ran once.  But I'm back, baby!  And trying to figure out some new training goals, which is tough.  I feel really at sea without a goal, and without a goal I have been re-introduced to those three to four pounds.

I thought about a triathalon for a bit, but the lack of someplace to train and the amount of gear required were offputting to me.  I love to swim, I like to ride my bicycle (Queen reference!), and running is my bag. But trying to find a place to swim that isn't the teeny tiny rec center pool has been a challenge.  So for right now, I think that I'll let that go, although I am going to try and do more cross-training this summer.  We're on the cusp of the purchase of a new bike for me (so exciting!), and it's between this one and this one.  So I hope to use that a bit, too. 

I cringe to put this out there, but without accountability, I'm a backslider.  I think I'm going to try another marathon.  In the fall.  *Cringe*  I'm thinking about the Mountain Air Marathon, which is at some elevation, but is again downhill, and isn't a big marathon.  So there you go.  I said it.  So much for keeping it under my hat, Mr. Bump!  I'm competitive enough to really want to try and run it under 5 hours.  Anyway, what this means is I'm back on a training schedule.  Which is good for me--I do well with structure.  What I don't do so well with is heat, which we've been enjoying in our neck of the woods lately.  I ran last night at 8:30, then got up this morning and left the house to run in to work at 5:45.  Both runs were very sweaty, and it has been very hard to get control of my heart rate.  I only took a few weeks off, so I can't imagine that the difference is in my fitness.  The heat is killer.  I don't remember how I did it last year when I was training for the half.  I predict a lot of early mornings in my future.  Hopefully ones free of dog vomit.

the Charlie Brown Effect

You know how some weeks you can just sail through, executing perfect pirouettes and smiling like a beauty queen?  Weeks where everything works the way you'd like it to, and each small success you achieve gets wrapped in a pretty ribbon and thrown on the Yay Me! pile?

Yeah, this isn't one of those.  I'm struggling this week, just to get through every day with some shred of sanity.  I have a Charlie Brown raincloud over my head and I just can't seem to shake it.  And yeah, I am aware it is only Tuesday night.

All I can say is I'm working on it.  And now that I've eaten the rest of the chocolate cake left over from this weekend, maybe working on it will get a bit easier.  It just wouldn't stop tempting me.  Now maybe we'll all get some sleep around here.  That chocolate cake was like the telltale heart, I'm telling you!

I will leave you with a lovely image of the baklava I made tonight, which is one thing that I can wrap a pretty ribbon around and check off my list.  I'll take what I can get.  This is not for me (see above re: chocolate cake--I've learned my lesson on that), but the fulfillment of an order for a co-worker.  I can't let you smell it or taste it, but it looks pretty good, right?