the fear

Confession time: I haven't really run or worked out in anyway (well, I ran 3 times two weeks ago). Part of me has really enjoyed the squishy laziness of not exercising or watching what I'm eating. Then there's the other part of me, which is freaking the f*ck out. I am prone to bouts of doing very well, making progress, losing weight, which are often followed by bouts of general laziness and apathy. I know this about myself. And yet...at the moment I'm having trouble getting back to who I've been for the last 11 months. I started the last leg of this journey in December of last year, and I've really done well in 2009. I can't remember the last time I stuck with a healthy eating and exercise plan for this long. And maybe there's a part of me that feels like I'm done. Maybe it's just that I'm too close to what I really want and this is a fit of self-sabotage. Maybe it's fall, maybe it's vacation, maybe it's burnout.

Whatever it is, I need to snap out of it. I've gained a couple of pounds over the last 5-6 weeks of sloth, which part of me doesn't want to look at or deal with, and part of me is jumping up and down and screaming. But that part is being muffled rather well by the rest of it.

So that's where the fear comes from. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid that I'm stumbling at the finish line and I don't want that. I'd like to just finish this already. Fully and completely reach this goal.

In order to do that, I'm going to have to go back to the beginning and double down. I'm pulling out all the stops and all the tools in my toolbox. Pedometer, food log, exercise schedule, and maybe if I can swing it, personal trainer. I'm a pretty independent exerciser--I don't like classes or groups. The reason I haven't made it to a yoga class is just because of the class aspect. I get embarrassed, I feel awkward and I have that feeling I had in 5th grade when we moved and transferred from public to Catholic school. I just want to do the work and go home. But I'm thinking that if I can work one on one with a trainer to get a sense of what I should be doing in order to be working toward my goals. I think I just need to hit the reset button. I'm hoping a trainer can help with all of that. I don't want to put it off on someone else to get me where I want to be (like that ever works anyway), but I just feel like I need some guidance. Have you ever used a personal trainer? Did it help?

I'm realizing a few things about having fallen out of my routine. I'm really tired all the time. I never have a second cup of coffee in the morning, but lately I have had a second to try and wake me up. I'm going to bed too late, dragging myself to work in the morning (one morning I almost missed my stop because I was dozing on the bus). I eat worse (and a heck of a lot more often) when I'm not running. And I feel bad about myself. Like I'm not doing what I know I need to. I feel like a hypocrite for all the "you shoulds" I've relayed to other people. I don't feel like an inspiration or even a good example at the moment.

Even knowing all this doesn't make me want to lace up my running shoes. The weather is crappy. I don't have a direction. It's about to get to that point in the year where it's dark when I get to work and dark when I leave it. I work best with a carrot out in front and a whip cracking at my heels. When I was training for the half-marathon I had to run or I wouldn't be able to run it.

So that's where my head is at the moment. November brings us back to NaBloPoMo, and while I didn't do it last year, I'm going to make it part of my routine this November. If I had it to the things I have to do, and I complain about the same things long enough, it'll give me a boost back up onto the wagon. You are welcome along for the ride.