Friday, July 23, 2010

coming around again

Man oh man am I struggling at the moment. Kind of, well, all over the place. Work is hard at the moment. That's about all I can say about that, but I spend 9 hours of my day there, so you can imagine how that might be spilling over into the rest of me. Running has been a struggle like it never has been.  Part of that might be the heat. But I had a moment during my 16 mile long run last Sunday where I thought:

I don't want to do this anymore. Why am I doing this?

I've never never said that before during a run. Sure, I've wanted to be done with it, or walk the rest of the way, but not about quitting all together. So I'm not sure if it is the heat (it's been over 90 more days than not in July so far), burnout (maybe back to back marathon training cycles wasn't a good idea?), or just the Charlie Brown Raincloud I've got going on at the moment.

This morning I had planned a 7 mile run into work. It would have been cooler, would get it out of the way early on a Friday, all good stuff.  I set an alarm for 5:00, got up, got my clothes on, brushed my teeth, etc.  I sat down on the edge of the tub to put my shoes on, and just sat there for about 5 minutes. I couldn't do it. 

Often the hardest part of the run is getting out the door--we all know that. But I just couldn't do it. I seriously sat there shouting at myself in my head. There was a little shouting match back and forth between warring factions in my head. 

Ultimately I stripped off my running clothes and crawled back into bed for another half an hour, and then got up to go to work like normal, but I'm disappointed in myself.  I hope to redeem myself with a 14 mile run this weekend. Sometimes if I take a couple of extra days off I have more energy and a better run. That was part of the arguments raised by the devil on my shoulder this morning.

I had a bad 8 mile run on Wednesday night, too. It was hot, it was hard, and it resulted in mexican food and ice cream for dinner. And I'd had gelato after lunch on Wednesday. Two (hefty) servings of ice cream in one day? What is the matter with me? In no way, shape, or form is that healthy eating.

So that's another piece of the puzzle. My eating has been out of control. I've pretty much been eating whatever I want since March or April. Which was fine when I was running 25-30 miles a week. But thus far I've run 8, in one go. Ice cream twice, crazy snacking, bowls of cereal after dinner (what? I have weaknesses). Some clandestine eating, some defiant eating, some misery-stuffing eating. Part of the reason I started this second marathon training cycle was so I could continue to eat what I want.  And I haven't really gained any weight. But it isn't healthy. It isn't a good training diet. And it isn't helping matters.

So what should I do? I'm stuck in this rut, and I'm not sure if I should quit the marathon training, try other forms of exercise? I haven't really gotten back off the bike since my recent flight off it. Mr. Bump thinks I become a miserable Debbie Downer when I don't run regularly. And maybe he's right. But I've been half-full of feeling ugly and icky all the time, when I'm running, at work, at home. I find myself every morning trying to contrive some illness so I don't have to go to work. I come home, shed my work skin, and plunk myself down in front of the tv or my laptop to watch something to try and lift my spirits. (Right now that's Arrested Development seasons 1-3, if you're interested.) In bed, in the dark, headphones on and completely checked out of myself.

I feel like I've got this soundtrack of whine playing in the background: "But I don't want to!" What's that about? I don't know. I'm not sure how to fix it. Do you?


Miss Kim said...

Nope. I find I have to do behavioral modifications before the mental follows, not the other way around. But I am so glad you're watching Arrested Development!

Deborah (from Portland :) said...

ahhh. i feel for you. i have been watching "losing it with jillian" on hulu. she kicks my butt into gear. i have a constant "what would jillian do/think?" question running through my head. (it hasn't all the way solved the 3 ice cream cones today issue but it did get me working out twice to counter balance the cones) i hope august is better. i love checking your blog... you inspire me - even (or maybe especially!) when you're sharing your struggles.