Tuesday, May 16, 2006

list of things i received today for my new job

Today I went down to fill out/turn in all my paperwork for my new job, to get it out of the way before I actually start. I will be working for the 10th Circuit Court of Appeals, official job title "Case Processor." Great federal benefits. Better pay. 10 paid holidays a year. Two and a half hours later, I am the proud owner of the following:

1. RTD Eco Pass--I'll be riding the bus in style, my friends. I took the most fabulous ID photo, let me tell you. I'm gorgeous. I'll be flashing that eco pass all over town.

2. The Code of Conduct for Judicial Employees--"Canon 5, A Judicial Employee Should Refrain from Inappropriate Political Activity." Oh well, I guess I won't be immolating myself in Bush-protest. Basically I can't endorse any partisan candidate. No bumper stickers or placards in the yard. And I probably shouldn't be blogging about it either, but at least I'm not an employee. Yet.

3. Bomb Threat Checklist, which includes such helpful questions as "When is the bomb going to explode?" "What is your name?" and "What is your address?" The reverse contains a checklist to describe the voice of the person who is calling, including such gems as "If the voice is familiar, who did it sound like?" and "Background sounds: Animal noises?"

4. A flashlight. In case of power outage or bomb as described above in No. 3, I have been issued a flashlight in order to facilitate my exit from the building. I was also given an Occupant Emergency Plan but that is "Confidential" so I will say no more about it.

5. An FAQ which includes answers to such common new employee questions as "When do I get paid?"

6. The Fitness Center Policy and Participation Agreement and Release of Liability. I have to promise to wipe down the machines and re-rack my weights. And to not run screaming if I run into my boss in the shower. Ew. I don't think I'll be showing at the Fitness Center. Ever.

7. And last but certainly not least, a booklet called "The U.S. Constitution and Fascinating Facts About It." Some fascinating facts: George Washington did not go to college. "Of the typographical errors in the Constitution, the misspelling of the word 'Pensylvania' above the signers' names is probably the most glaring." "The word 'democracy' does not appear once in the Constitution." There is a list of all the Supreme Court Justices ever.

8. I also had to take a couple of oaths of office, promising to uphold the Constitution (of which I have recently learned so many fascinating facts), not do anything or support anyone who attempts to undermine the Constitution, and I had to swear that I didn't hold any allegiances to any foreign prince or state. Oh, I wish. Prince William wouldn't give me the time of day. Sigh.

9. My spanky new Court of Appeals ID, which isn't as gorgeous as the Eco Pass, but better than the passport I had to drag in for my proof of citizenship. Eep. Fat face, glasses, short hair. Baaad combination.

10. Various voluminous materials regarding election of life insurance, health insurance, direct deposit, 401K, retirement, etc. Decisions, decisions.

All said and done I think I signed my name about a gajillion times. Or ballpark of gajillion. On my first day I will be able to keep my ID, get my ever important "decal" for my eco pass (gorgeous pic, did I mention?), and get myself fingerprinted by the U.S. Marshalls (who inhabit my new building) for my background check. I can't wait.

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