Friday, May 05, 2006

new day, new gamut of emotions

Today was the day they interviewed people for my job. I started out strong but by the time I had to escape for some book-browsing at lunch I was in tears. Even if you don't want the job anymore, it somehow hurts to watch someone else interview for it. Apparently, it hurts a lot. And when they like someone, the knife seems to twist. But at the same time I want someone to do the job well, and get along with everyone else, so I don't know what I want, really.

I feel like I've made such a mess of this whole thing. My boss' feelings are hurt, my feelings are hurt. Neither one of us seems to understand why the other one can't be more grown-up. I don't understand why she can't give me another week of vacation and she doesn't understand why I won't stay out of loyalty and why I won't give her more than two weeks notice. And I HATE that we're going to be parting under these circumstances. I suppose eventually I'll be the bigger person (weighing nearly twice what she does, it is easy) and try to mend fences. But part of me rages with the indignity of it all.

I know that no one understands why I'm all worked up about this. Why don't I just move on? Well, I have to say, I don't really know. I guess when you work side by side with someone long enough to see them go from single, to married, to pregnant, to mother, to pregnant again to mother of two, you just get sort of attached. Even though we just work together. I can't really put it into words. She drives me crazy, she's selfish and the world revolves around her. But she's also sweet and funny and while she could be more generous on the vacation time, she was a good boss (mostly). So. There it is. I can't explain it, but there it is.

So far they've yet to find any potential paralegals to fill my shoes. There is some satisfaction in that.

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