Saturday, November 24, 2007

barely legal

We went to a birthday party for a 21 year old tonight. I can't believe I was ever that young. Wait, yes I can! It doesn't seem that long ago, really. At 21 I was in my senior year of college, trying to figure out where I wanted to go to graduate school, if I wanted to go to graduate school, and getting this sick feeling in my stomach like this wonderful school thing wasn't going to last forever. At some point I was actually going to have to do something with a creative writing degree. I didn't drink much, pretty much didn't do any drugs. I read a lot, watched way too much TV, and went to lots of theater productions on campus for free with all my theater friends. I slept a lot. I wrote a senior thesis on M.F.K. Fisher and the language of food. I was becoming the very heart of what I consider to be me. I don't look back on those times and wish I had gone out more, maybe dated, or joined more on-campus activities. I don't wish I'd gotten drunk and hooked-up with some guy I didn't remember meeting the next day. I think I was really seeking myself, and that happened more inwardly than most of the people I knew. I wasn't comfortable being the center of attention (still really am not), and I didn't need a large circle or a lot of people around me to make me feel good. Maybe I'm deluding myself--I'm sure there were plenty of nights I hated being alone and cried and thought I would never find anyone to love, or anyone to love me. But I remember being content to let the future hang out there beyond me, with all its beautiful potential still intact.

I hope that the 21 year-old we know still feels this way. We should all feel this way at 21. Somehow, even at 33, I feel like I should be able to feel this way, but I can't. It seems I've slipped through windows of options that have narrowed the possibilities. I can no longer be a New York City publishing editor. I probably can't be a talk show host. I'm definitely not going to be a dancer. But I have love. I have a wonderful family. And I have great lifelong friends who may not always be in my day-t0-day life, but they will always be in my life.

And there's still that baby thing--I've still got that one hanging out there. And I've still got you, blogiverse.

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