the wheels on the horse go round and round

Sometimes it's hard to know what comes first.  It's that chicken vs. egg thing (which is just silly, really, because the answer is, of course, it depends).  But for me the question is did the poor eating cause me to have diminished energy, which made me feel like I didn't have enough energy to run or exercise in any way? Or does the lack of exercise reduce my energy, mess with my brain chemicals enough to make me feel crappy, which makes me want to eat?

At the end of the day it only really matters inasmuch as if I know what faltered first, maybe I can figure out how to get the wheels back on this horse.  And by wheels I mean exercise.  And by horse I mean my fat ass.  Look, I know that I've not really gained any weight, which is a good thing.  But I feel pretty squishy in the midsection, and I feel like I could see a backslide (slide, not side) from where I'm at right now.  I keep trying to recommit! and get back on track! and Do! Everything! Right!

Or maybe just one thing.  The problem is that I've just not been able to get any of those decisions off the ground.  And it's a vicious cycle (back to chicken vs. egg).  I don't exercise. I feel bad. I eat because I feel bad about myself and hopeless about my commitment. I feel bad. I don't have the energy to exercise because I feel bad and I've eaten poorly.  You can see how this isn't exactly productive.

I could easily blame all this on the trip to Africa.  If only I hadn't stopped exercising for three weeks, this never would have happened.  But I know that I was toast before I left.  I got so burned out on running while training for the half-marathon that I just wanted to finish. So badly.  I really got in the mindset that eventually I would be "done."  And so somewhere in my mind I think the moment I crossed the finish line my motivation stood up, shut the lights off, and locked the door.  And even before that, for months (maybe since March), my eating habits had been pretty much what I wanted, whenever I wanted it.  I was burning it all off with loads of exercise, so my consumption was justified, wasn't it?  And it did work.  I lost about 15-20 pounds from March until August.

But now that I find myself here, at a place that is emotionally and mentally similar to where I was a year ago, and I'm wondering what the hell kind of progress have I made in a year?  What has been the point of all this?  I truly believe in that last 15 pounds I have to lose.  They're real, I can point to them on my person, and I'm not having body dysmorphia about them.  But I also know that there is something really scary about losing all the weight, and being "done."  If I'm done, then what?  How do I deal with it?  How do I maintain "done"?  So maybe some of my self-sabotage stems from that.  Then again it may stem from just being worn out by weight loss.  Maybe I just need a maintenance break.

Which is all fine and good, but none of that means that I get to just stop running or working out.  And if I don't get to stop doing that, then I might as well just keep at it.  That's the bulk of the work anyway, isn't it?

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, which is very hard on me.  I need a goal, a purpose, something that I'm working toward.  I don't have that right now, and a physical goal is apparently very important to my successful weight loss.  So I can't sign up for the Nike Women's Marathon yet (they start the lottery in February, I think).  I need something closer to now to work toward.  It can be anything, I'm open to suggestion.  Just as long as it isn't the 30 Day Shred.  That crap starts to hurt my knees at about Day 13.

Help me!  I'd appreciate a plan, a suggestion, some advice.  I'm all at sea over this.  And the sea is filled with m&m sharks.  And they're circling.  Anyone?  Please?